it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
