hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
