i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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