I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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