And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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