hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
