The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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