She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
