she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
