Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
