If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
