she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
