Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
