the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
