I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i just wanna soil my oats bro
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
