I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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