She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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