everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
