why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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