it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
