I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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