I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Randomize
