i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
