haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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