You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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