My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
