fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
