Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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