it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
