I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
