There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
