New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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