Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
