i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
