Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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