someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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