we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
