I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I am one with the molecules
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
