Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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