I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
