Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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