I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
