We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
