I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
