OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
