Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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