Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
