Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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