life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
