You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
