I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
