I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
