You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
